“], “filter”: { “nextExceptions”: “img, blockquote, div”, “nextContainsExceptions”: “img, blockquote, a.btn, a.o-button”} }”>
Heading out the door? Read this article on the new Outside+ app available now on iOS devices for members!
>”,”name”:”in-content-cta”,”type”:”link”}}”>Download the app.
Maybe you were taught that it’s never okay to talk about someone behind their back. But whether you’re texting your group chat about your new boss or students in your yoga class are theorizing as to why one of the regular teachers is no longer on the schedule, gossip is everywhere.
Although it can feel harmless, gossipping has the potential to turn ugly. So where do you draw the line? Is gossipping ever okay? And is it really that essential to learn how to stop gossipping?
What Is Gossip?
Gossip is information that is shared about a person who isn’t present, says Elizabeth Fedrick, a licensed professional counselor and professor of psychology at Grand Canyon University in Phoenix. Because the information is often exclusive or privileged, it’s rarely possible to verify the source or determine whether the information is true.
It’s important to distinguish when gossip can be harmless—and even potentially helpful—versus when it can be potentially damaging to yourself and others.
Positive
When it’s based on factual information, gossip can be helpful. For example, having a discussion about a friend who started her own business may prompt you and other friends to reconsider your career ambitions and hold each other accountable to taking certain actions. We tend to feel more connected to people after engaging in positive gossip.
Negative
Obviously, gossip can also be hurtful and damaging to relationships, Fedrick says. Say your co-worker gets promoted and you tell your other team members that this person landed the job because their family member is on the hiring team.
Portraying someone in a negative light can be unfair to the person who is absent and unable to explain their side, says Hillary Schoninger, a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and yoga teacher. It can also reflect poorly on you if you’re attacking someone else’s character and/or if you misinterpreted events.
Neutral
Gossip isn’t always emotionally charged—it can be neutral. Maybe you tell your partner that your best friend is moving to a different city or your mom informs you that your sister is dating someone new. When you simply share news, rather than expressing an opinion, you’re conveying information without evaluating it.
What Does Yogic Philosophy Say About Gossip?
The yamas and niyamas are ethical principles of yoga that guide how we relate to other people and ourselves. One yama, satya, is based on seeking truth and being honest and sincere. But that may not happen if you’re gossiping about someone who isn’t present to share their truth.
Ahimsa is another yogic concept that translates to non-harm. It “includes not wishing harm onto another living being, including yourself,” writes Rachel Brathen, a New York Times best-selling author and international yoga teacher, in A Yoga Girl Guide to the Eight Limbs of Yoga.
The often unverifiable nature of gossip means that we may be spreading untruths. When we spread gossip about someone, we betray their trust, as well as our efforts to live authentically.
“Yoga philosophy values authenticity and clarity within relationships, which does not coincide with the realities of gossiping,” says Schoninger. Repeating negative gossip can effectively disrupt the state of authenticity and truth that is behind the practice of yoga.
How to Stop Gossiping
Just because people around you are gossiping, doesn’t mean you need to participate. “In these situations, you can still keep your boundaries,” Schoninger says. It doesn’t need to be a dramatic situation.You can simply choose not to speak about someone who is absent.
“Choosing this boundary serves as a clear message that gossip does not serve your mental health,” says Schoninger.
If someone continues to cross your boundaries or pressures you to engage, you can practice compassion while also choosing not to be available for negative gossip. The idea is to convey your discomfort and refusal to engage without judging others for gossiping. Schoninger suggests the following scripts to shift the conversation in a more positive or neutral direction:
- “I don’t feel comfortable talking about others this way, as I am sure there is more to the story.”
- “Unfortunately, this individual is having a hard time. I will be thinking of them.”
- “Thanks for informing me, but I would rather have this conversation with the individual and offer to help them any way I can.”
- “I just don’t feel good when conversations become gossip-heavy.”
- “It felt good when we were in a more positive space, so can we keep our discussions on the lighter side?”
You can’t always steer a group conversation away from negative gossip, but you can control how you respond. Focus on the relevant facts rather than speculate about someone’s alleged motivations or behavior. Not only does this stop the cycle of negativity, it also reflects better on you.
