10 Thoughts From My Sixth Weekend of Yoga Teacher Training

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“Practuce Mudita,” I mumble to myself during an inversions workshop as everyone around me begins to go upside down. It’s basically a mantra for me at this point—one that I’m strangely proud of.

Mudita is a Sanskrit word that translates to “sympathetic joy,” aka the joy that we feel for others. The word came up early on in YTT and has been a surprisingly critical part of my training, especially as it nears its end. Because even though I love yoga (particularly the philosophy), there are parts of the practice (including teaching) that are just not right for me or my body, at least not now. Or ever. And that seriously feels fine. I’m more than content watching the students in my cohort reach their fullness in certain poses that I can’t yet access.

If there was ever any ego in my practice, it’s gone. I’m on my mat for the joy of being there. I’m showing up for me, as me, in ways that make sense for me. My thoughts during my second-to-last are proof of this.

10 Thoughts I Had During My Sixth Weekend of YTT

As the finish line looms, I’m beginning to take a big-picture view of my training.

1. I’m a big fan of breathwork.

I’ve written about my struggles maintaining a steady meditation practice in the past, and will probably write about it again. Breathwork is such a different experience. It’s active, and I can feel it working through me, my body buzzing and filled with oxygenated bliss. I know that traditional meditation is essential, but right now, me and my Open app are having a moment.

2. I also enjoy hanging out with cool women.

There’s nothing like a deep discussion—whether around relationships, politics, spirituality, travel, pop culture—with a group of like-minded women. Even women who disagree! (Respectfully, of course.)

3. I don’t love chanting mantras that don’t deeply resonate with me.

The co-opting of ancient practices from cultures around the world is a reality that demands awareness, particularly in the yoga space. This is one of the reasons I tend to be a bit weary of chanting mantras in a group setting, particularly ones that are new to me.

Sometimes, a mantra, prayer, or practice from a different culture comes my way and just lights me up; something within me recognizes and resonates with it. In those instances, I take the time to learn about the origin and translation before incorporating it into my practice. But when it comes to sitting in a circle and chanting whatever mantra is offered, spinning up an energy that, though beautiful, may not come with full understanding, I usually opt out.

4. I’m not sure I should teach what I can’t do.

Another reminder from past revelations: I am not flexible. There’s a school of thought that believes one should not teach poses that they cannot fully embody themselves, and I’m beginning to agree. I can learn about the nuances of a pose, but if I haven’t fully felt it, how can I capably explain how it feels in the body?

5. Regardless, I like my lane.

Creative meditations, anyone? I will write and lead those all day.

6. Moon salutations exist.

The fact that I wasn’t aware of Moon Salutations speaks both to the breadth of yoga and how much I still have to learn. The series of poses is done facing the long edge of the mat, and comes with some major goddess energy. (This is one variation.)

7. Holy crap, I still have my Wheel!

I used to pop up into Wheel constantly as a kid. The muscle memory still lingers somewhere in my body, the ease with which I arched up, the freedom of looking at the world upside down. Still, whenever the option for Wheel Pose is offered in yoga class, I refrain out of fear—until this week. Surprise! I still have my Wheel. I only held it for a short beat, but I’m excited to work the pose into my daily practice, the better to strengthen my arms and open my chest (and heart).

8. My body hasn’t transformed. And I’m not sure I have, either.

At the beginning of this journey, I imagined I would reach its end as a wholly different person. I’d be a woman who practices nearly every day, her body stronger than ever, her time spent deep diving into spirituality the way I have in years past. An elevated version of me.

A lot of life has happened in the past six months, events that have encouraged immeasurable growth in me and my world. But I’m still very much me: my practice comes in and out, I meditate for a bit and then fall out of practice, I still have trouble touching my toes. Rather than turning me into someone new, YTT has served as a reliable rock in an ocean of change, and I am incredibly grateful for that.

And who knows? Maybe the transformative part will come later.

9. I want my practice back.

I have not been attending yoga classes. Between monthly weekend-long training sessions, scheduling time with my group to plan and practice our teaching sequence, yoga homework, readings, and home practice, the last thing I want to do with my free time is hit the studio. This is a shame, as it would obviously contribute greatly to my experience if I was truly immersed. But both the rebel and protector within me insist that I nourish myself and my body in other ways, too.

Still, I miss going to yoga! I look forward to a time when attendance doesn’t feel obligatory, or like an assignment, or even tied to some outcome—when it’s just mine again.

10. I’ll miss this when it ends.

Like I said, YTT and everyone and everything in it have served as solid ground for me. Though my footing feels more stable than it did at the start, I know that I’ll miss all of this when it ends.

Follow along!

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